i am not but i know I AM
So I have read Louie Giglio’s book, i am not but i know I AM, once before and just started reading it again. It is amazing to re-read it and see how the experiences I have had since the first time have changed my perspective on what he has to say. Things that Giglio said that didn’t mean anything to me the first time through, mean everything to me now. For instance…
Page 33-34 : Divine Invitation. Giglio talks about Moses and when God calls him to go to Pharaoh to rescue the Israelites from Egypt. Moses is confused and overwhelmed and doesn’t understand why God would want to use him. Moses feels like he is incapable of accomplishing the task asked of him but as Louie Giglio points out, God does expect Moses to do the delivering but instead, God is going to do all the work. He just wants to use someone with skin…in this case, Moses.
If you have never read i am not but i know I AM, I highly recommend that you do…it is absolutely amazing.
an unforgetable summer
Preface – So I don’t know if this blog is going to mean anything to anybody but here it goes anyway…
So I have just gotten back from Jackson, Michigan and after a great night of sleep I am sitting here thinking back over the past couple of weeks and in awe. I knew that this summer working with Serve Management Group would be overwhelming and demanding but I never thought I would be forever changed by the experiences, relationships, fellowships, and the encounters with God this summer. I don’t even know where to begin. Before my summer started, my prayers were filled with fears and uncertainty of what the summer and next fall would hold for me. I knew that it was going to be a big summer emotionally, physically, and most of all, spiritually. I have constantly struggled with my future and it has always been a burden for me. Looking back on my first year in college and the beginning of this summer…I have changed so much. I thought I had it all figured out or at least knew how to ‘play the game’ that I knew what I wanted going into college. And I have never felt more alone then when I went off to college but God taught me so much about myself and the relationship that I have with Him. I was petrified to transfer to Appalachian State University because I was afraid that I was making another mistake (with the thinking that Lees-McRae was a mistake). Looking back, I know now that Lees-McRae was anything but a mistake. I know that it is because of the experiences that I had there that have led me to the realizations that I have come to. In the past four weeks alone God has shown me that my fears for my future have paralyzed me and have kept me from serving Him and that the fear of making a mistake has completely consumed me and it has affected my attitude towards everything that I do. He has shown me that I am constantly praying for Him to just show me without a shadow of doubt the direction that He wants me to take and I’ve been praying that He would help me to trust Him more. I prayed all these things but still didn’t believe or have the faith in Him that He could do all those things for me and I still worried about those things to the point that it was all I could think about.
My first project for the summer was in a familiar place – Oak Park Baptist Church in New Orleans, LA. And for this familiar place I am grateful. I had worked at Oak Park for two previous summers as well and thought I had it all under control when leaving training in Cumming, GA. Thankfully, God put me in my place on the first day of me and Cassie-Marie’s (my partner for the summer) arrival. I started setting up the office for the week when I realized that I had left my computer (with all of my information for the week) at the hotel we had stayed at the night before (two and a half hours away). I was so upset already having to depend on someone else, other then myself, to help get me through the week. I realized really quick that I was so caught up in the idea that I had to do all of the responsibilities of my job by myself. God showed me that this summer wasn’t going to be about how well I did the paperwork of my job but instead, this summer was all about the relationships that would be formed and developed. While in New Orleans, on Tuesday night, while sitting in the balcony during worship at Oak Park Baptist Church, God broke me. I have always cared too much about what people think and so I asked everyone that I was close to for advice and what they thought was best as far as my future. I reached a point where I could no longer distinguish the voices of my family and friends from that of the still, small voice of God. God showed me that no matter what happens, transferring to ASU is not going to be a mistake and going through with photography isn’t going to be a mistake because it is the experiences and the journey along the way that means everything. I can’t say that I am not scared to be doing photography but I have reached the point where the fear no longer consumes my every thought and paralyzes me.
In the past three-four weeks, God has just really shown me how small I am and just how big He is. He has shown me that this summer isn’t about the job for me or all the paperwork. But that this summer is about the relationships…the relationships with the participants, adults, group leaders, the local residents’ of the project location, and most importantly my relationship with God.
My second project location was in Jackson, Michigan. This is when I realized I better start journaling everything that God is showing me this summer so this is just an entry from my journal:
6/23/08
Jackson Christian High School
Evening Worship
Speaker: Keith Loomis
Wow! This is going to be such a difficult summer but one that I will never forget. I am still scared about my future and what God has in store but it is such a relief to be able to say that I am no longer letting my fear hold me back and paralyze me and to realize that everything is going to be o.k. God is teaching my to “enjoy the ride with the lights on.” Keith, our speaker for the week, has challenged us to pay attention to who we feel God is giving us a passion to love. And it is this evening that I have realized that my passion and love is for youth and the adults that work with them. Before now, it was my own church youth group that I was passionate about and loved. But tonight I realize that youth, as a whole, mean the world to me. They have sooo much influence and it is such an important time in an individual’s life. I am not only passionate about youth but also, to the adults that sacrifice everything for their youth. This summer I have learned that nothing could happen without the leadership and sacrifices of the adults from each group.
Tonight was so amazing…God was in this place tonight and He showed me that He has never left me and He never will…God has also shown me that I am His desire…His desire! (I don’t know if you ever thought about this but if you haven’t, take a second to think about it because it was a mind-blowing thing for me…you are His DESIRE). Everything I do is for Him and I want to glorify Him through it all. I am going to miss the relationships made here but I know that so many seeds were planted this week and my hope and prayer is that someone else will come along to help feed and grow the seeds planted in the hearts of these youth and local residents. My hope and prayer is that when I get back home and back at school, that I won’t look back and realize that I am no different, that I haven’t changed inside and out by the grace of God.
